The first few lines of the Corby Trouser Press Instruction Manual (COI0017 CORBY TROUSER PRESS INSTRUCTIONS (FOR WEB) (corbyofwindsor.com)) are very clear:
IMPORTANT
DO
• Read ALL the instructions before using this appliance.
• ONLY use this appliance for its intended purpose as described in this manual.
Sorry Mr Corby, FAILED and FAILED!
Now don't worry.
The health and safety evangelists among you can relax.
There are no trouser-press related scalds, burns, electrocutions or explosions to report here.
On the contrary, those of us, fortunate enough to have been part of Top Meadow and Top Meadow on Tour, remain crumpled but unscathed.
For we have not flouted Corby of Windsor's rules in the pursuit of dangerous, de-regulated trouser pressing.
No, ours has not been a crease quest. (More a yeast quest if anything...).
Rather, we have stretched the potential of 'trouser press functionality' and, in our own way, become ambassadors for the brand.
Ask anyone of us.
We'll all say the same.
The Corby 5000 electric trouser press makes a very handsome 'honours board' for the touring golf society.
How? Why?
Only one man really knows.
Many of the Swindlers will have their own theories as to how and why it came to be in the possession of Mark Unsworth.
It was definitely a topic of conversation when first unveiled at the Weald of Kent in 2013.
Me. I've always suspected it was liberated from a Marriott Hotel just outside Norwich.
Probably in protest at the denial of an early check-in, or refusal to grant exception to the 'two cartons of milk, per room, per day' policy.
That or Cophall Farm Boot Fair. (General Information | Mammoth Boot Fairs East Sussex)
Or Ebay.
For a very busy man, Mark seems to be on Ebay a lot.
Whatever the press's true origins, I've never been inclined to ask him.
I'm sure he'd tell me if I did.
But I don't really need to know, and what good would it do me if I did?
Besides, a life without some mystery is a gloomy prospect, don't you think?
Suffice to say, that wherever it came from, the trouser press has, I think, found a good home.
It certainly doesn't look out of place amongst the rest of the (ever growing) bagatelle of prizes, trophies and gongs that our golf society has accrued down the years.
And how many other trouser presses in the world are actually feted and competed for?
...I've probably gone on a bit too long about the trouser press haven't I?
But the point is this.
Don't we all appreciate the joyous camaraderie, and 'added value' that stems from hitching a disproportionate amount of sentiment to an inanimate object?
Your own Golf Societies, (Cricket, Rugby, Football tours) will surely enjoy their own, unique, trinkets and traditions.
They will undoubtedly hold the same sentimental weight for you, as the trouser press, a wicker donkey, Viking helmet, set of disco lights etc. do for us.
And does any of this sound familiar?
A bit of fancy dress.
Imaginative tour logos embroidered on budget priced polo shirts.
Longest drive at a par 5, (with the 'Tour Ball'), with a wedge.
Of course it does.
We've all been there.
And so, we were, The Swindlers, again, a couple of weeks ago, for 'Top Meadow on Tour' 2022.
Twelve of us returning to Cottesmore Hotel, Golf and Country Club (Golf Club - Cottesmore Golf Club), just off the A27 north of Pease Pottage.
It's a great venue for a golf society.
The rooms are set in a courtyard below the main bar and restaurant, and adjacent to the hotel spa and pool.
Golf is presented in the form of an 18-hole course (Griffin), and (a much weaker - in my humble...) 9-hole option (Phoenix).
Our golf package consisted of a two-night stay on a half-board basis, with two rounds of golf on the Griffin course.
Travelling to the venue, the defending champion has to rise early. Plenty of time needed to pack a car full of golf equipment and apparel, travel case, half a ton of assorted prizes, and, of course, affix the Champion's car plates.
And this year, our tour was an excuse to celebrate Gaz's '50/10th'.
Tour shirts, as always reflect, the theme of the event in any given year.
Well done resident logo designer (and trouser press engraver) Peter Shoesmith.
Once everyone is 'arrived and attired' the two days follow a familiar and enjoyable path.
Some average golf is followed by an above average consumption of beer.
Consequently, dinner tends to find the seasoned tour veteran stack his menu choices with plenty of carbohydrates.
The evenings, in the latter years of the tour, have become a little shorter and, thankfully, a bit less alcoholic.
Nevertheless, a restless night's sleep is a given.
If your own intake of beer doesn't get you, your roommate's cacophonous snoring certainly will.
Breakfast tends to be a less communal affair than dinner. Tourists emerge from the previous night's tribulations at different times. Seats are taken with a little less vim and vigour than the night before.
Finally, when the late arrivals, (usually Phil and Ray), have joined the throng, and everyone has breakfasted, it's time to make to the putting green.
Here Phil will orchestrate the tour putting competition.
12 hungover golfers, with only a lose grip on gravity and their own biomechanics, are invited to nine holes of flat-stick mayhem.
And just to make the challenge worthwhile, a dazzling array of clubs, wholly unsuitable for the task, are pressed into service.
The tourists will have their own favourite from among the following:
The Slazenger ‘Ugly Duckling’
The ‘Brunty Rustler’ Mk III
The ‘Bamboozler’ V4 (Australian MK7)
The ‘Ray Reardon’
‘Le Mallett’
‘La Salsiccia Dorata’
‘Oddunsy 3 Ball’
‘Knobby’
With the putting competition over, it's back to the 'golf course proper' for Round Two.
More average golf ensues before we are finally gathered behind the 18th green for the winner to be announced and anointed.
And for us, this is when the Tweed Jacket is placed upon the shoulders of the new champion.
Like the trouser press, this one-pound Ebay purchase has been given a new lease of life in the hands of our society.
Tradition dictates that the winner must wear this fine garment at all of the forthcoming year's 'majors' and any other events of significance.
Well, this year we have a first-time champion in Ray Crane.
Congratulations Ray!
As it happens, he's getting married next year.
Now that sounds like quite a significant event to me...
...so, to paraphrase Captain America - 'Jacket-up' Ray.
Next time...
...golf101 hopes to sample golf south of the equator.
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